My Heart is Open

"It was just her and the cat in the kitchen. “Look at you pretending you’re the cat and I’m the human.” The cat winked. “Isn’t it all just a dream?” The cat winked again. “Now you’re freaking me out.”"

Mar 1
Feb 23

me and 10 year old soul friend neighbor girl create drawings together. she came up with the ideas and titles.

i also don’t know how to say no to children when they want to hang out and i’m busy. how to say it… not knowing when you’ll ever have free time to sit with them and play and teach. i don’t know.

…there was a girl named with the same name who was here…
i dreamt about this experience 4 years ago… it was all meant to be…even around the same TIME. but there is no time, the prophets say.

the time has come, the walrus said
to talk of many things
of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, 
of cabbages and kings,
and while the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings
calloo callay
come run away
with the cabbages and kings
Feb 23

…there was a girl named with the same name who was here…

i dreamt about this experience 4 years ago… it was all meant to be…even around the same TIME. but there is no time, the prophets say.

the time has come, the walrus said

to talk of many things

of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax,

of cabbages and kings,

and while the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings

calloo callay

come run away

with the cabbages and kings

"Checking in : There’s nothing like being topless and riding in the back of a truck on a nice long road. Hands gripping the metal pole, standing up, arched back with hair blowing like crazy. Car pass, and I’m happy to send everyone off to a merry day.Trees that make me feel like I’m in Jurassic Park as I look above, so tall and endless. Every time I look up at the sky here, it’s so vast and endless. Like there are seriously no boundaries here than ever before. Physically: I’m worked. Gosh. Went harvesting for bamboo twice this week and also havesting coconuts. As I work, my body lets out any detoxifying thoughts. Issues comes up. I notice thought patterns. I like to work shirtless and when I do, I go by the name of “Storm”, my masculine self. He is the Storm before the Rainbow, or the Rainbow before the Storm. They go hand in hand. There is no other. My right elbow has been through a doozy when I scratch late at night. But since that big scratch, it’s been easier to resist, with it in my face of what happens when I go all out itchfest. Emotionally: I feel the wounds I have within myself. Today one of the residents facilitated in a Family Constellations experience, and man, even in the warm up, it brought up awareness into my childhood of things that trigger me. In the triggers, like a gun, it sets me off into awakening, healing, wow this is the drama this Self has been through… Intellectually: Feeling more need to draw anatomy more. And go at it. Spiritually yes: I can’t even write this check in because here I go:"

-

February 22, 2014

The Earth Speaks

The mermaid maiden sits by the waters and looks out at the moonlit ocean. She hasn’t said a word, hasn’t said a sung out loud for days. She has only just been breathing. Meditating in her own heart what she is truly speaking with the world.

I am Observing the one who Observes.

She looked into the waters and saw so many different reflections of herself. Not just her own reflection, but of many different beings, of many different things, of many different situations.

 

There’s always Some One Speaking to me.

Throughout her moments, she had many different symbols come up in her mirrors. There were beings from the past and the future, simultaneously speaking to her. A word. An image. A sound. Life and Dreaming were abSoulutely One.

Here I go, into the Dark.

 

In the Dark, she would meet her Ghosts. Where they sing forever, where they flow in and out, where they play forever, when they meet you with a smile and handshake.

 

The Children are playing. Who am I to be afraid of my own Children?

In the Dark, she finds Peace. It’s no longer resentment, no longer anger, no longer fear. In the Dark, she finds Wonderment. In the Dark, she finds Understanding.

 

Here I am. So take me. But watch me flounder and fly. Into the abyss once again. There’s no stopping me from where you can even imagine me to exist. Here and now. There and back. Gone and forevermore. A witch. A hoax. A crux. A light. A flame. A ritual.

A neverending séance into the Dark. That relationship with the Devil. Ever entrancing. Cosmic fire.

Feb 23
Feb 18

this is what we do at our cult community

Feb 13
February 12, 2014 A few days ago, I went into the yoni cave with my friend. It was formed from the magma and create a nice space for mother earth to take you into her womb for a darkness retreat. We sit in silence and I open and pour out my heart to my beloved friend. I healed and really REALLY looked at a deep wound. Jealousy. That scorned jealous 23 year old woman was just an innocent child at 13 with her heart broken and feeling like she couldn’t trust anyone. The single mention of another person’s name her partner was attracted to would bring up big jealousy. Jealousy steams from a feeling of -lack of self worth -like I can’t be alone, because I don’t like myself -like I’m not beautiful and I’m comparing outward beauty -like I don’t have any control -like Fear in my Face after a while, I am released. A big big tidal wave of WOW thank you beautiful partner for reflecting my biggest shadows. I stand in the trinity of light, shadow, and the center point. Past, present, future. Exes and Ohs and My self. 3 months in Hawaii. What happens next is only happening now.

feb 11

Feb 13
I feel like everything is very spontaneous God the wonderment The joy of rereading my simultaneous illusion of past yet ever present journal entries They astound me And move me There’s so much gold within me

"february 10th Maybe you are searching among the branches for only what appears in the roots?-Rumi"

-

she walks into the cave with a heart heavy and ready to burst. She’s no longer willing to be that scorned jealous woman. She’s no longer willing to be walking on this earth and shaming all those she’s in a relationship with with blame and regret and suspicion and confusion.
The yogi moves in front of her, reflecting her movement, her own attraction to Beloved energy.
“Oh SunLight, you are Reflecting Myself.
I see in the tangled webs of Human Emotion that He is Me and I am Him, and also in his body, in his soul, She is Me and I am Her.”
There is no sunlight but a distant dream of the light in the cave. The two souls breathe together in the dark, light drops of the moisture falling on their bodies, the only sound is dripping and breathing. The occasional rustle of the tarp beneath them.

The Hero questions:
“Why am I triggered by this?
Why do I having these patterns in relationships where I am blaming, I am shaming, I am guilting, I am suspicious, I am fearful?
In the shadow in the darkness she comes through and she questions her own shadow
In the shadow in the darkness he comes through and he questions his own light

The Hero sees how, from age 13, her first heartbreak, her first feeling unsafe, her first breaking of the world has some desparate hearts out there that aren’t being truthful, the first step into the shadow and the first step into creating the GOLD of her life journey.
10 years later, She is revealing her own fruit. She is revealing the tree that has been growing for 10 years in decay, in scorn, in persistent shadow rebellion into who she is not, so she can make it more than obvious of who she truly is. There is hiding in this Story, even the main character can’t even deny the true themes of it. The protagonist doesn’t even know the full story, just dreams of major events. In all realities, we’re choosing our own story like those Goosebumps books.

~~~~~~~~~~~
" Now be silent. Let the One who creates words speak. He made the door, He made the lock, He also made the key. ” Rumi

Release and get angry

In the dark I talk to myself

Man I am pissed off I came here to be a human in process

Man what did I do to put myself through this pain

In what simultaneous reality did I bring on this karma on for me

Man why couldn’t I have just been an enlightened being from the get go

Man

Process

Man humanity

Man limitations

Man men…

 

and then I laugh and find that I am the joke myself. When there is no I in this story, the Hero thought, all the other supporting and minor characters are myself, and their stories are just as important and the Author loves them just as equally and is simulataneously writing their books and man our family that we’re born into is such a major root and HUGE LIFE CHOICE into what boiling pot we’re going to stew in. How are we going to come out of the pot, what the fuck are we going to taste like, how in the hell are we ever going to change from being a potato stew, to a meat stew you can’t change potato to meat how to you do that do you remain a potato your whole life I mean wtf

 

and now I see the absurdity and perfect magic of the illusion of separateness

ohhh he’s doing this to me

he’s making me feel jealous

ohhh I’m feeling jealous

ohhh I’m being suspicious

ohhh I’m blaming

ohh my own life story ohh my own process ohh my own need for this story

if the Hero even lets go of this story, there’s still that Other Character that made the Hero feel Jealous Existing in Their Book

But look

If you look out

If you get that nose out of the pages

If you take off your reading glasses

If you stretch you neck out of the book and really get out of those words

Zoom out of those words you’re seeing pictures

Zoom out of those pictures you’re seeing pages

Zoom out of those pages you’re seeing chapters

Zoom out of those chapters you’re seeing stories

Zoom out of those stories you’re seeing

ONE

BOOK

ONE BOOK ONE BOOK ONE BOOK

The One BOOK

The ONE book THE one BOOK The One Book

It’s that book

 

so if I go and say HEY! You say you’re having this positive experience and it’s making me feel negative

it’s more like

HEY! I’m having this positive experience and it’s making me feel compassionate and understanding

Because you are me, going in that direction, and I am pushing myself to feel jealous

I am pushing myself to feel like I’m not worthy

To see that I have a belief system of FUCK I HATE MYSELF FUCK I DON’T LIKE MYSELF FUCK THIS SUCKS FUCK HOW CAN I EVER GET OUT

 

close your eyes and you see yourself rooting into every single facet of human emotion, human experience, transcendental experience, going beyond the ego realities and state of being, states of nonbeing, you can program and tap into and plug your cosmic soul into any of these computers

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

what a groovy far out life experience I’m having

if I really think about my life

man

FAR OUT

My life is rich my story is abundant with life changing tales

My goddess my god we’ve wrote quite the story lately

 

Mother Aya, the ocean wave image of me celebrating her when I was maybe 7, 8, or 9.. It’s a memory of me on a family trip with the whole road car driving long going on and

My soul

My physical

My heart

My mind

My body

Feeling the ocean and having this incredible experience in worship and in deep loving childlike consciousness

That this is where I am

That in this present moment there are no doubts

No fears

No answers

No questions

Just a grand sunset and the ocean

In communication with me

No doubt I see that memory in sparkling glory

A child in complete awe and innocence and bowing down and rising up to her Life Story

With her Heart Open

With nothing Held Back

In pure Yes

In Pure Oneness

Feb 13

"February 6 Held a baby crying for the first time today Amazing to hear the sound of pure raw release And how synchronous that I released too today through tears February 9, 2014 I sit down in the back of a dance floor set up in a field of old abandoned army bunkers. I let the electronic music course through me, the heavy beats becoming faces and deep voices of the dark, the symphonic sounds taking me to different dimensions. The music, in itself, is alive. I think about my past relationships, I think about my presents. I think about what I’d like to say to people who I have nothing to say to at all, just pure love and a continuation of my life story I’d like to share. There’s nothing really to be said, but to be lived. In the car on the way to the “Petting Zoo”, electro-dance-animal-kink party, we are driving in the car with a new friend who describes himself as a guardian angel. I feel connected to him, I feel in his presence, a sacred connection to other realms and he has a very mysterious ways about him. During the night, his heart centered cuddle loving comes out and we cuddle. There’s nonstop cuddling on this island. Loving hugs, heart to heart, speaking each other’s names for the first time as we are introduced as if we have found a secret truth about ourselves we’ve been wanting to discover for a long time. RAINBOW. BILLY. BONZAI. It never ends. I am gifted a rainbow dress just by saying my name is Rainbow while hanging out at the island market, which is the local and community hang out, the literal facebook news feed, everyone meets there and you will always, without a doubt, see someone you know. The soul that gave me the dress told me he had an inclination to buy the dress at the market, not knowing for who, but he had to buy it. When he found out my name was Rainbow, he knew. And I saw him at the Petting Zoo, his heart ever present. Right now, I’m getting tired of the sounds of children crying. I think about the root causes, and that’s what makes me upset even more so than the sound of crying. Children are a blessing to parents, showing so many patterns and belief systems that the parents subconsciously reflect. At the Petting Zoo, I am flogged and spanked by a 22 year old mistress named Juju in an open U-Haul truck while outside on the couch, voyeurs are gazing. I tell her, “This is my first time doing anything like this! Well, in public…and using those props…” And during the flogging she whips out a new wooden paddle with a heart on it and tells me she’s never used it before and that I may have the honor of being the first one to use it. Afterwards, a couple hours into the dancing, she is feeling euphoric and comes taps my knee while I am sitting in meditation, and she tells me she wants to put me in her comic, and that she doesn’t know how to draw but she has a vision. I tell her I’m an artist and would love to draw it and the magic continues. I am not even tall enough to reach the St. Andrews Cross with extra chains attached to the wristcuffs at the tops, so I use the spank bench, which was a much better suited position for what I wanted. I asked for flogging, spanking, nails, and they even added hair pulling. Afterwards, Juju gave me a wooden paddle with her card on it and two condoms. Like candy after the Doctors, I feel much better. A weekend of firsts, I jump off a cliff for the first time into Mama Ocean. She spanks me hard on my back because at first I fall thinking “Oh yeah, feet pointed and position up like I’m standing straight” for 1 second, the second second I realize “Oh fuck! I am falling!” Third second is a nice smack of Ow. And I recover for a minute and then the Mama bathes me in the most beautiful water that’s so easy to lay back and float. There’s caves that the waves rise up against so you have time yourself perfectly when you can get on the rocks. I sunbathe topless in this touristy non clothing optional place and one of my friends swims naked and the mainland tourists say “Oh look at NAKED person!” and a European tourist replies, “Yeah so what? I’m from Europe!” I’ve never seen an ocean from a cliff before like this. I feel like all my views of the ocean have been from the shore. But to see an instant expansiveness was so heartopening, so magical. Our truck had broke down and we didn’t get there when we wanted to but we actually do manifest getting there perfectly for the sunset. We “Graduated” from this community’s monthlong immersion program a week ago. Around the circle, the residents gave their celebrations and appreciations of each individual and how we’ve grown and contributed. Once again, I cried talking about my experience here. Magical. People reflected that -I am very balanced in masc and fem energy and they feel they trust people like that more -i’m inspiring to be in this community, they’re happy to hear it’s working and powerful for me, the classes and the life -they admire the way I look at life, I take situations and transmute them into positivity -I’m very dedicated to my self inquiry my journey -I’m full of purrs and cuddles I love mirrors of self reflections. Man what a trip. Hearing people tell you what they think of you. it’s all you. I feel like this community, this town IS burning man. This is one non-stop transformational festival that goes beyond the party and actually lives out a sustainable life in tune with nature 24/7. This is one big trip. I’ve taken a big dose of heart opening."

Feb 13

"The Earth Speaks"

- February 11, 2014
The Earth Speaks in Her Name. Om Shanti Om Shanti Om Shiva Namaste.
She tells herself everything she’s ever wanted to hear. A story she’s been playing with but never written down. This is her Story of Acceptance. This is her Story of Denial. Of Trust. Of Letting Go. Of Betrayal. Of Peace. Of Reconciliation. Of Regret. Of Mystery. Of Enchantment.

The Earth Speaks is a Story of Wonder.
But most of all,
Love.

She found herself on an island, full of magically named beings and coconuts galore. She found herself in a container, a space where crying was a common as the rainy nights that led her to questions of “Who Am I?” “Do I Even Have A Family?”

She found herself wanting her “boyfriend” to come over and be with her, so that they make plans together for the next step. She found herself wanting her “ex” to come over and be with her, so that they may unfold in the most natural of ways.

It’s all in Perspective, Mother Earth told her Daughter, who was crying at her shores. The Moonlight shone with Empathy.

I don’t know what to do, said the Daughter. I feel very lost and confused, I feel very in me and in this body and attached to all the strings of this Earthly realm.

This Earthly Realm indeed! Said the Mother. Whatever you mean by that, the way you say it, sounds like you don’t see the puppeteer to all the strings of this Earthly realm, indeed.

The Daughter Looked at the Clock. She saw it was 8:46, which was 10:46 on the mainland…A reference number to let her know she was dreaming. What Mother Earth said she felt stubborn in her resistance to Her Truth. Of course.

I am the Puppeteer to all the strings of this Earthly realm! She declared.

Who am I to deny myself in all the things that I do. Who am I to feel as if I can’t be myself. Who am i. who am i. who am i. the world echoed her mantra. Who am I said the earth. Who am I.

The Owl cries, “Who?” Is Anyone at Home? Yes. Is Anyone Here? Yes.

The Daughter held her knees tight and then let go. She lied on the beach in relaxation and release. Her body trembled with love and her head fizzled with ego.


I want to know, know, know, said the Daughter. I have to know NOW.

Mother Earth swooped her up in her arms and rocked her gently. It’s One Big Surprise…dear baby, it’s all in your infinite potential as you grow up, here you are now, perfect, unconditionally loved, unconditioned, strong, raw, real, unfiltered, you don’t need to do anything but be. You are my Baby, said Mother Earth. You are Perfect.

February 12, 2014
“Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you.”
“Love is cure. Love is power. Love is the magic of changes. Love is the mirror of divine beauty.” –Rumi

She fell asleep and woke up early. She told herself, if I take a nap and wake up at 8:46, I know I am dreaming.
She did.
Today she found a fairy tree that was covered in moss and little sprout spirits. The fairies gave her a blue white necklace of opal light, oval circle, it would open her heart, it would fill her with lightheartedness as the fairies play.

And so she played. She fell in love and it wasn’t falling this time, it was flying.

Feb 13